The Long And Not So Short of It
June 22, 2007
To compare the last month to a roller coaster ride would be an understatement. I've never been one who could handle such rides, and if I have a choice I avoid them at all costs. It took a lot of prodding by Batgirl when we went to MGM in Orlando back in April to get on the Aerosmith and the Tower of Terror rides, but for the sake of fun I did them.
Then of course, there are the times we get on the roller coaster when we have no choice but to get on it. Let's start from the beginning
I never gave thought to where my relationship with Batgirl would lead until that November Sunday in her apartment when we got back from looking at the house she would eventually buy. We had spent over 10 months together and her house hunting brought her true feelings to the surface: she was beginning to picture a future, a life, with me. Fast forward to the day she closed on the house, and I remember standing in that big living room with the hardwood floors, looking out into the backyard through the large bay window and the thought hit me: this is the house I'm going to be starting a family in. I don't know what caused it, but it hit my like a ton of bricks.
Fast forward to our brief trip to Florida. While there, we were suckered into one of those timeshare presentations. You know, the ones where you get enticed with 2-for-1 price on a Disney theme park (a $70.00 savings). Somehow, we were sold on it. We saw this as a too-good-to-pass opportunity. This would be something for us, for our future. Then, I did the dumb thing while the salesman was putting together his offer for us: I admitted I had not begun to look at engagement rings. The revelation stuck with her and our final day of mini-vacation was spoiled. MGM wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been as Batgirl dwelled on what I said. Our night back in the hotel was spent with the two of us fighting in the room, wasting our tickets to Paradise Island for that night. The next morning featured the two of us crying.
My sadness was caused by the fact that I hoped the getaway from all of our stresses would allow us the chance to be us again. Since our 1 year anniversary weekend we spent together, it seemed too many influences had taken the fun out of the relationship. It was disheartening to see that my hopes were dashed on this trip. We flew home, and the discussion as to what to do with this timeshare continued on late into the night. It rolled over into Friday, and then Saturday morning. That day, we took advantage of the 10-day grace period that allowed us to cancel. We came back home and I admitted finally that I had doubts about whether she was the woman I could marry no matter how much I loved her. When we parted ways around noon, I was certain our relationship was over.
Only, it wasn't. It seemed to strengthen it. I realized in that whole afternoon I was away from her that I needed to begin to see the big picture. I needed to stop wasting our time and decide if I wanted to get on the same page as this woman who loved me so much that she saw me as her future husband. The thought had crossed my mind, so why was I afraid to act on it? Simply put, I feared I would not be allowed to have any of my life brought into the marriage. I knew that in order for me to be comfortable with this decision, she had to tell me her position on my friends' place in my life. I was being faced with the prospect of losing her, and my God it hurt that day. I felt lost. I decided that it was time to begin taking big steps forward on the path that is my life.
Fast forward to Memorial Day Weekend. It was a very emotional one as finally something gave in. We decided to talk about what my reservations were about getting married to her. I had intentions of talking about it more naturally than we did, but I had grown frustrated with her immaturity on the topic. That Sunday morning, she was just laying in bed, acting depressed, and I lost my patience. We talked, we cried, we laughed, we hugged. I got it out from her that she needs to be willing to allow the relationships I value to have some room in our lives. The fact that I was withholding my firm decision to marry her because I believed she wouldn't allow me to have any time with people outside the family circle opened her eyes to how important my friends are to me. To me, they are like family, like the brothers I don't have (yeah--I have a brother, but we are oil and water, and he's never been one to care about my well-being). She will never know what that is like because she doesn't have such type of relationships. Her best friend is her sister, and her immediate family is her first choice of people to spend her free time with. I felt a lot better about my future with her after that long talk Sunday morning.
Satisfied with the results of our talk that weekend, and hit with the realization that I feel like my home is in this very house where she lives, I decided to put plans in motion for a future together. I went over to my parents' house and sat down with my mother (dad was doing something for the little league) to discuss the offer my parents made about living there for a time rent-free so I could pay of debts and save money from a ring and a wedding. The more I talked with my mother, the more it made sense. I wasn't happy living with my brother anymore, and living with Batgirl before we were even engaged was going against hers and her family's values (actually, her parents will still have an issue with us living together unwed, but Batgirl does not care about that).
So, I made the difficult decision that I will sell my half of the house to my brother, put that money towards paying off my student loans, and move in with my parents until Batgirl and I are engaged and her house is finished being worked on to allow me the room to move my things in. Since the start of June, my brother and I have actually worked out an agreement on how to handle this so that no one gets screwed, although the local real estate market is not very good and there was a good chance I could walk away with only half the amount of equity we presently have in the bank. My good friend, The Attorney, as goofy as he usually is, actually was the one who showed me the way in making this crazy decision to roll the clock back and move home temporarily. He pointed out that our original plan to remodel the house using the equity we took out when we refinanced in Fall'05 would make little sense for me since I didn't plan on staying there much longer, and no sense for my brother because it would increase the value of the house and raise his mortgage when he takes out a new one to buy me out.
Now fast forward to two weekends ago. I saw a side of Batgirl that I never thought I'd see, and hope I never do again. One of my cousins got married a few days after my good friend Nern became a father for the first time. His wife gave birth to a beautiful daughter. I was so happy and anxious to get over to the hospital to see her. Batgirl, on the other hand, turned down the invite because she still feels like a stranger and didn't believe it's our place to be there so soon after the birth. You see, when her niece was born, her sister didn't want anyone but immediate family to visit while she stayed. I decided to just leave it be, take pictures and show them to her another time. I cringed about what the weekend would hold. A birth of a child by a woman closer to her age, plus yet another wedding, all in the same week could take a major toll on Batgirl's "My Time To Have A Family Is Running Out" complex. Boy was I right.
After what had been a surprisingly fun wedding despite the early downpours (it was an outdoor wedding & reception under a huge tent), the night took a turn for the worse. My cousins and sister invited us to join them at their local hangout. My brother, who Batgirl has grown to not trust based on selfish decisions he's made that benefit only him and affect me, and his girlfriend, who has been throwing in Batgirl's face the whole subject of what she is going to do with my house when she moves in, were supposed to come too. We were saying our goodbyes to the family elders when my brother's girlfriend said goodbye to us and then acted surprised when Batgirl revealed we were coming. The way she reacted rubbed Batgirl the wrong way for some reason. I guess when someone annoys you every time you see them, it takes very little to get on your nerves.
We showed up at the bar, but Batgirl was beginning to show signs that I had fed her one too many Gin and Tonics. She was ready to punch out my brother's girlfriend. I knew she was all talk, but the way she began storming through the parking lot had me starting to think otherwise. Thankfully, the two decided not to show up. I sense the tension between the four of us had something to do with it; the brother's girlfriend kisses my parents' asses to no end, and does the same with my younger sister. Batgirl has seen this as much as I, and coupled with the fact this woman has staked claim in a house she doesn't even live in yet, it's hard for us to feel like being around them. So, my drunk sister began to sound off about why she believes they bailed out. The finger was being pointed at my brother's girlfriend. Then came the big hammer.
"I noticed she didn't drink one drink all night at the wedding. I'll bet you she is pregnant!" she said.
All of a sudden I saw Batgirl start chugging down her beer. She began looking upset. She grabbed mine from my hand and began to chug that. My sister, my cousin and her fiance (a different couple, not the newlyweds) and my sister's boyfriend just kind of stopped. Batgirl then put the beer back in my hand and began crying and ran to the ladies' room. My sister, who is 12 years Batgirl's junior and a former student of hers, and my cousin ran after her. They managed to calm her down, and my sister emerged basically giving me an earful about how I need to get my act together and open up my eyes to see this woman loves me and just wants for us to be get moving on having a family. The fact that my brother and his girl of over 6 months are going to move in together in what was my house, and could possibly be having a kid before us just put her over the edge.
Batgirl came out and was settled down. She apologized to everyone. I was a bit embarrassed, but I know there a lot of guys out there whose drunk girlfriend had an emotional outburst while drunk and put them in the same position. I bought Batgirl a Gray Goose and Soda. The girls went off on their own way, and I stayed with the guys. Time passed and Batgirl returned. I wish I hadn't bought her that drink. Within minutes of her return, she had a replay of what happened earlier. I barely said goodbye to my sister's boyfriend so that I could make sure I caught her out in the parking lot. She was really crying, and when we got in the car, she began screaming about how my sister has some nerve to preach to her about life when she has no idea what one is. She kept telling me that she has had it, she has no more to give with the weddings, the baby showers, all revolving around people from my walk of life.
This carried on the whole way home. I just drove, my fists clench around the steering wheel. I let her do the tantrum, with only a few retorts to what she was saying when things were way off-base. I got her home, and finally I grew tired of the whole situation and gathered up my things to walk out. She stopped me when she saw how serious I was about leaving, even though I really didn't want to leave her in the state she was. I thought she had calmed down, and put her bed. I was so disgusted with her behavior that I did not want to lay in the same bed as her. I decided to sleep on the couch in her den. She, however, didn't care for that and the rage became greater. I actually had to wrestle her to keep her from causing more damage to her house and maybe herself (when I was tying to sleep on the den couch, she threw a shoe at her bedroom wall and put a dent in it). Finally, the storm passed, she passed out, and we went on to the next morning.
I wasn't sure how I was going to handle things when the sun came up. Would I break up with her? Should I take into consideration the fact that she obviously has years of anger and frustration that really comes from the time before we met? Would we opt to take some time off from each other just to cool off and think about what we want? Well, apparently Batgirl was so drunk that she had no recollection of what happened after we got home. She literally blacked out. She was horrified when I pointed out what she had done to the wall, that she had gotten a little rough with me, and that the neighbors probably heard some--if not all--the ruckus. I finally, and tearfully, decided that it was time to lay down the law.
I told her that I was disgusted by what I saw, that whatever this rage and bitterness is from needs to be released from her soul, and most importantly, her incessant pressure about getting married is taking away from how special and happy such a decision should be. I accused her of being in competition with someone, probably my brother and his girlfriend, and told her that I wouldn't be jealous if they had a kid and got married before us because they did it the wrong way. I pointed out that since our one year anniversary, we don't seem to have as much fun anymore, and a lot of the relationship angst is caused by her overlooking how special a bond we have and just not appreciating it, wishing for more. I basically told her it is time to back the fuck off. Amazingly, she agreed with me.
So now here we are. You must be wondering why in the world is this guy sticking with this girl? How could he possibly want to marry this loon? Well, for as many faults as my girl has, they are there because she loves me so much. She has been hurt badly in the past and is afraid the same things will happen again. She has battled back from an ugly divorce from a guy she never should have married in the first place, and that insecurity she's had since childhood was only made worse from that experience. Her parents are very guarded people who keep their lives simple with few close friends, and keep their spare time devoted to their kids and the mother's elderly parents. That trait was passed on to my girlfriend more than any of the three kids.
I finally got it drilled into her head now that while I have a good family who really loves Batgirl and wants her to be a part of it, I also have many extended families because of the friendships I've held for over 20+ years. She now understands fully that my longtime pals are also like brothers to me, and there has to be some room for them in my life and small segments of hers. These guys are not like her ex-husband's group, out to be bad influences and enable me to cheat. I also told her I don't expect her to be buddy-buddy with their spouses and significant others, but at least make an effort to be civil and friendly around them. If she can't, then she's going to be left behind all alone when it doesn't need to be that way. Bluntly put to her, no matter what guy you meet, they are always going to have friends, and the ones who don't are the one's whose personality and character should be questioned. The difference is, my friends are growing up, have steady jobs, are starting families, and most of all want to include both of us--not just me-- in their lives still. Hell, my best friend Ren fixed Batgirl's laptop for her this past weekend for nothing; the crazy thing is Batgirl is astonished he's not charging for it. Maybe now she is beginning to learn what close friends are all about.
For those who've hung in there and read this novel, there is a lot more to cover. This is just the outline and in retrospect I think too many of the details were negative. Truth is, these were events that were tough to go through, but seem to have put forth positive results in the end. Our relationship seems to strengthen every time. She even has not busted my ass about when I am supposed to propose. The question is now, when do you think you will be moving in? I have a feeling she may be caving in on her "rule."
I did learn today, however that the appraiser my brother hired valued our house at $8,000 less than what we owe on our mortgage. This means I may end up getting a little over 2/3 of the equity that I'm entitled to that we have in the bank and won't be able to pay off my debts and put a down payment on a wedding ring like I had expected. I was expecting to walk away with $18,000-$20,000 after selling my half of the house, and now it may be $10K at best. I am still going to go forward with moving in with my folks, even though I feel a bit depressed about leaving my old life behind, plus a bit defeated that debt is forcing me to take this alternative.
The summer begins with a bang, and it's only going to get much more interesting as the next month goes by. I plan on being moved into the parents' place by late July, and there could be a ring purchase soon, depending on if I get a better appraisal and can find a store with an affordable payment plan. I only have a slight clue as to what I want, but really, the one thing that matters to me is I know I love Batgirl, home to me is where she is, and the Red Sox can get back to dominating baseball again like they were in April and May.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 12:45 AM,
