The Talk Rears Its Head
November 13, 2006
I can't apologize enough for the erratic posting, but really, when you don't have a whole lot interesting to say--or the time to post something entertaining--it's difficult.
Today was my day off. I took a vacation day because my company doesn't rollover vacation time, and since Batgirl was going to be off, I figured why not use 1 of the 4 days I have left. Little did I realize, this would be the day that her sister would finally go into labor and have her daughter! Talk about a long night. She was admitted to the hospital shortly after the Giants embaressed themselves vs. the Bears last night. I got this impression that because everyone was scrambling to the hosptial, she was going into heavy labor. Batgirl and I rushed to change into more presentable clothing, and were at the hospital by 12:30am. The clock ticked...and ticked..and ticked.
Finally, around 4:30am, it was clear to me that there was no need for me, Batgirl's entire immediate family, and her brother-in-law's parents, to even be there at this ungodly hour. Shit, even Batgirl's dad told me this was not a good idea. Her brother-in-law came down and said it was great we were all there, but it would be for quite a while before the baby was to come. I opted to leave and go catch some Z's since I lived close by, while most of the family remained behind, including Batgirl. She was really appreciative of me being there, and I felt like part of the family. Funny thing was, I think her sister going into labor may have helped a difficult development in our relationship.
Batgirl broke news to me Sunday morning that she wanted to go to an open house. Since June, she's wanted to desperately move out of her apartment since she lives above her grandparents. I knew she would value my opinion, and offered to accompany her. After I offered, I really wondered if I made the right decision. My plans for the afternoon were to go home, start making chili for our dinner during the Giants game, and do a few minor things around the house. This changed things. We picked up groceries for the chili, I mixed them up in her crock pot, and off we went. The house was over 50 years old, tucked away in a quiet neighborhood (not far from her parents' home, I add), and was well taken care of by the elderly couple who was selling it. I thought it was a nice place, but there were cosmetic and structural things about it I didn't like. Batgirl, on the other hand, she adored it. When she asked what I thought, I gave the honest answer,"It's now what I think about it, it's what you think."
Never could I imagine what this would start. We got back to her place, and she resumed some chores she had started before we left. She took her laundry down to the basement, and I could hear her crying from the kitchen. I knew right away that her stress was caused by two things: the fact she needs her dad's blessing to buy the place since she was pre-approved for a mortgage with him as a co-signer in late spring. The other would be that she was taking our future as a couple into account.
It finally happened. After 9 1/2 months, "The Talk" finally occurred. I really didn't know what to say. I have not made up my mind as far as whether or not I'm ready to get married, or if she is the one I want to marry. I can't figure out which of the two it is. Obviously, she wasn't happy with some of the things I had to say in regards to my uncertainty, and what kind of time table I was working with. I'm at a point where I think I need to be better at financial planning and take my future more serious, but have not taken the steps towards taking care of that. I also think I'm a bit selfish still, and feel it neccesary to have my personal space. Finally, the two factors I just mentioned make me unsure if I can be a good husband and father in the near future.
The basis of her frustration is she doesn't want to buy a house with her dad's name on the paperwork--she wants it to be mine. Of course, because I own a home with another person, I can't make a spontaneous decision like purchasing another house. In my opinion, neither can she. This all came down Saturday afternoon when she learned of the open house. I don't think she really has planned out how she'd put in a bid for this place, and for how much beyond asking price she would bid. She is convinced it's going to go this week. I, for one, think $300,000+ is too much for one person to handle on their own. My mortgage is over half that, and I know that I could swing it without my brother. There just isn't enough time for her to get her ducks in a row. I told her that if it was me, I wouldn't buy, even though I want her out of this living situation and into a place where she feels it's her own.
We also talked about the "friends thing" you longtime readers have read so much about. I made it clear that my friends will always be a part of my life, and will always get a portion of my time. I explained to her that in my family, I was taught you can't have your life be just your spouse. You need to have some outside interests, or else you'd kill each other. Unfortunately, her parents' marriage doesn't work that way. They don't have a lot of friends, and prefer to stay home. I know Batgirl isn't 100% like that since she likes to be out and about each weekend, but she doesn't have tons of overtures to do things from a social circle. Amazingly, we came to an understanding on this topic. Nevertheless, it all came back to where my head is at.
She made it clear: she is ready to move forward in her life. She's not complacent, whereas I seem to be. She wants me to be a part of that step, but it can only happen if I want to. The only reply I could give her was simply,"I can't put my name down on this house with you."
We eventually were able to lighten things up, although I decided she needed some time alone to blow off some steam and relax. I left for a couple of hours, but after one quarter of football, it became obvious that the afternoon's discussion still weighed heavy on her mind. The tension I felt throughout the game was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I ever had. Her expression was stoic, her replies to comments were one word answers, and she obviously was down-trodden. I opted to let it lie after her replies to the "what's wrong?" question was nothing but grins and a head shake. I knew she was emotionally spent, and her mind was still occupied over what to do about the house. I strongly considered not be spending the night. She needed to be left alone. However, I never got the chance to make my final decision. The phone call came shortly before midnight that her sister's water broke and she had been admitted to the hospital. The rest is history.
When this afternoon finally concluded, we shared many embraces in her place. She had not slept a wink, and I felt it would be best she have some private time to sleep, especially if she was going back to the hospital to see her niece up close and personal. I told her I loved her, and there was this part of me that didn't want to let go. I said to her that the last 24 hours have certainly been a roller coaster, and she apologized for blind-siding me with "The Talk." She said she probably should not have gone to the open house with the knowledge that there'd be no way for her to turn around an offer. I apologized for the stupid shit I said, and that I just wasn't prepared to have "The Talk." She replied that I was only "speaking the truth." I then admitted I hoped what we have wasn't going to be negatively affected by this; she said it wouldn't.
I don't know what it is, but I have my doubts that our relationship will be the same now. I felt a sadness when I left her at her doorstep today, though that's not an uncommon feeling after we spend a long weekend together. Thing is, I read between the lines, and the writing simply said,"30's Guy--I want to take the next step with you. Are you ready to take it with me?" I can't answer that definitively. My doubts are more about myself than her.
The experience we shared together with the birth of this baby made me see a part of life I never have. In the past, I've always just dropped by when a friend or relative has had a child, usually at their home. This time, I got to sit through the wait with the family, and see the joy in the faces of grandparents when they see their grandchiled for the first time. I saw the happiness in the eyes of a proud father who just spent 20 hours with his wife, bringing their baby girl into the world. I want to have that some day. I just wish I could figure out if I want it sooner than later.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 5:08 PM,
