Hitting the Strip Club: Is That So Wrong?
August 08, 2006
"The women who don't want their husbands to go to them have security issues. I bet Batgirl wouldn't want you to go to a strip club" - Peachy, 08.06.06 - 4:12 pm
Peachy, you wagered correctly. Unfortunately, the only prize you get is a post from yours truly.
Nearly half a day after my post about the Saturday night bachelor party, the visit to the strip club for my friend's bachelor party caused serious tension in my relationship.
It all started at my parents' house. They threw me a second 30'th birthday party since they were away on the real occasion. most of my family who lives here locally was present, and even Batgirl's parents were invited. They held up very well since my mom's family is rather large. They seemed to enjoy themselves a great deal. What should have been a happy way to end my weekend only precipitated the argument.
While eating dinner, Batgirl's dad inquired into how the bachelor party was. I went on to tell him about the golf tournament, and the dinner at the bar that followed. I never eluded to any other activitities of the night. However, either her dad or mine made the crack about checking my wallet to see if there were a bunch of ones (there were). A lump went up into my throat. Never once all day did Batgirl ask if we hit a nudie, but now I was sure she would.
The party went on for a few hours more, and I didn't get a sense of anything being wrong. I actually forgot the joke was made, until somebody made a crack about it again on the way out the door. Needless to say, the ride to Batgirl's was not a warm once. the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
When we pulled up to her place, we said goodnight, and she did her best to hide her inner debate. I wasn't fooled. I pried and pried, and finally, she walked back up to the car, leaned in and asked point blank: did you got to a strip club last night?
For a millisecond I wanted to say no, but this is my girlfriend, and I love her. I looked her dead in the eye:
Yes. I did.
She was angry. She didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to be alone. As she walked away from the car, I hollered out to her,"But (Batgirl), I love you!"
I knew this was going to be a long night to myself. I decided to try to blow it off, read the book on the Red Sox I just bought, Feeding the Monster by Seth Mnookin. In no time, I got sleepy and passed out. The phone rang around 11pm. It was Batgirl.
"I called to tell you I love you," she said.
The talk began. It went on for a good 1/2 hour. I heard how she didn't understand the need for anyone to go into a place like that, what my need was to go in there. She couldn't understand how I could easily erase those images of what I saw out of my head so easily, and that she will have a difficult time being comfortable with me in the bedroom the next time we're together.
My responses were basically alot of what I posted on this blog Sunday AM. I explained to her that this was a bachelor party. This is something that goes on with them from time to time. I assured her nothing happened, and that many of the guys I was with were married or in serious relationships, and none of us would do anything to deliberately disrespect out relationships. I went on to tell her that I am very much attracted to her, and above all, I love her for who she is. We both reiterated how much this relationship means to us, and I expressed my regret for doing something that put a strain on it. I did go on to say, I am not perfect. I also explained that people have liberal views about certain things, and are conservative about others, and that seems to be the situation between us.
I then went on to tell her that she needs to start looking at the present and who she is with, and stop comparing me to the dirtbags of her past (like her ex-husband who cheated on her). I warned her that if she doesn't start letting go of the past and stop allowing it to affect the present, she'll only make things hard for both of us.
I felt like things were smoothed over, and we even had a couple laughs before hanging up. I went through my day today not worrying about it, even playing 9 holes with my cousin and our co-worker with a clear head. I got home, and called her. No answer so I left a voicemail. Over an hour later she called back, and I could sense the tension all over again. I was doing all the talking, just like in the car on the way home Sunday night. I called her on it.
Around and around we went again. This time, she had a whole day to let the whole thing marinate, and she said she was no longer accepting the "boys will be boys" explanation. She considers going to a strip club to be a "selfish act." When she was done, I sat in silence. There was nothing I could say or do to change what I did, nor convince her that going to a strip club is okay because--to some people it just isn't. Nothing's going to change their mind, and any reason you give just doesn't sound right when it comes out. It just is what it is. I even had to answer the question of whether or not I got a lap dance. Thankfully, I didn't, and amazingly I never had the urge to get one. Normally I would. Prior to this party, I hadn't even been to a club since the Mons Venus in 2004, so it's not like I have this sick addiction to them.
I finally recognized that we needed to end the phone call. We both have to be up early Tuesday morning, and it was obvious we weren't going to be able to do a 180 and make each other smile. It wasn't a pleasant good-bye. I now am up typing away at midnight. I am straddling a fence of emotion where on one side, I feel guilt, but on the other it's something like anger or frustration. NONE of the other guys who went with me that night have ever had problems like this after hitting a bachelor party were hitting a strip club occured. Especially if they behaved. I mean, Nern probably isn't even putting up with this shit--and he's the one getting married.
Batgirl said tonight it is not a self-esteem issue like I suggested last night, when I told her she needs to start seeing herself the way I see her. I say bullshit; it is. I begged the question of when she will finally trust me, because at this point, I don't feel like she does. She told me that talking things over isn't going to make this go away, and she just wants to stop talking about it. I do too. I know, though, when I wake up tomorrow it won't be over. It will go on for a while. I sense that. Really, though--what did I do wrong here?
I had an idea she wasn't cool with the BP going to the a strip club beforehand, but I didn't get a clear picture of just how much this would hurt her. Would I have bailed on the party once I knew we were going to see titties? Hell no! I'm a man damn it, and if I left it would have felt like I lost my dignity. I don't think she can understand that. She even said she doesn't want to tell me what to do, and I echoed the same sentiment to her. What really blows me away is her own younger brother has porn, and talks about it, yet it's humorous to her. I even suspect that his bachelor party may have hit a strip club after the day of fishing they did on the open sea. I am confident his new wife didn't give a shit either.
I'm not sure where else to go with this, but I guess I'm curious to hear the female point of view. I'd also like to hear from the guys who may have run into similar dilemmas in their relationship. I'd be lying if I said I'm not sure if my relationship will be the same again--or if it can endure this difference in opinion. What I am confident about is the going won't be easy in the near future.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 12:23 AM,
