You F*cked Up? Go To Rehab!
August 03, 2006
Going to rehab seems to be the solution in Hollywood these days, especially when a celeb is busted for, oh, I don't know--DUI? In light of the recent events surrounding Mel Gibson (No--I'm not going to weigh in on this; you can go to 85% of the blogs on the Internet for that), I thought I'd make a point how going to rehab is becoming the ultimate PR move for the "beautiful people."How many of these people are going because they really have a chemical dependency problem? I'm willing to bet not many. I sincerely believe that if Mel Gibson was a drunk, his family would have kicked him out of the house and into the Betty Ford clinic a long time ago. For some reason, a traffic stop leading to a DUI arrest--coincidentally followed by a report of anti-Semitic remarks--equals a drinking problem, and not poor judgment.
I've been stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, twice between 18 and my early 20's. I'm not proud of it. Both times I was ok enough to drive the short distance home, and capable enough to pass field sobriety tests. While I don't condone D & D, I was pretty damn lucky I wasn't asked to take a breathilizer because I definitely would have failed. Thing is, both times it happened, I was cooperative and calm. I never yelled about how the Jews were evil and responsible for the problems in the Middle East, or threatened a cop's career. Now, If I was smashed, who knows. By using the logic of today's public figures, I'd just go to rehab and that would ease the public perception of me. Reality is, I've functioned to the highest level in my everyday life without the need to reach for a sip of alcohol, making it pretty damn obvious I am not an alcoholic. My getting stopped was simply an example of bad judgment and irresponsibility, not that I am addicted to boozing.
The point is, none of these people have a real drug or alcohol problem. They're using a real sickness, and the way to cure it, in an attempt to preserve their image. Their real problem is--they just royally fucked up! Don't buy for one minute that these morons need some type of medical help. The only thing they need is a good PR rep, and a chaperone. Really--if each one of us who did something stupid while we indulged in a few too many beverages used alcoholism as the reason for it, we'd be spending half of our time in rehab.
Slept with the ugly guy/girl from the bar last night? Must be an alcoholic!
Fell down the stairs while trying to hop down on one leg? Get me into counseling.
Fell in the pool while dancing like an asshole? Show me the way to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Here now are a few of my favorite "I'm sorry, and I'm checking myself into rehab" cop-outs of recent memory:
- Mel Gibson: Unless you haven't been paying attention, 'nuff said. Apologizes not once but twice (through his PR rep) for bashing Jewish folks to the cops, then checks himself in. Obviously, it was "the tequilla talking."
- Joe Namath: During a Patriots-Jets game in a sideline interview with ESPN's Suzie Kolber, "Broadway Joe" pronounces he wants to kiss her, obviously hammered as he slurs his speech during the segment. He punctuates the second "I wanna kiss you" with a Howard Dean-like "Yeeeah!" Days later, he apologizes and checks in to rehab.
- RI representative Patrick Kennedy: Carries on the Kennedy tradition of getting busted for DUI. Checks into rehab. Gets out in less then a month. Man; he heals faster than Wolverine of the X-Men!
- Pat O'Brien: Pat makes a few booty calls to a stripper who "is so fucking hot," but moronically decides to verbalize his desire to have threesomes with her, suck her tits, lick her pussy, and do coke together on her answering machine. Conveniently, Patty O'Brien checks into rehab once word gets out about the messages. Funny; why is it I don't hear any slurred or unclear speech on these cuts? Looks like a different kind of addiction is the problem here!
Let this be a lesson. Don't drink and drive, and always think before you do something stupid. It's not worth losing everything you got.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 7:22 PM,
