How An LDR Helped Me Grow Up
July 18, 2006
Instead of a post with some nostalgia about my outgoing 20's, I read a post today that I can relate to a lot. In fact, this blogger's post brings up a brief, but significant, period in my late 20's, so it's relevant to what I had intended to write about today.
Over on Bated Breath, Trixie explained why her long distance relationship failed recently. Even though I've been a faithful reader, I didn't quite catch things had ended until today. I was rather shocked since there hadn't been much mention of the guy in recent weeks, and I had no clue things were on the outs. I think the guy had access to her blog, so as a result she had to keep it censored. Believe me--I know the feeling.
In a nutshell (though I encourage you to read the explanation in her own words), the guy moved to Chicago, and she discovered that he just wasn't the right fit for her. When they were thousands of miles apart, they had only their words, and their connection was perfect. It was so perfect, that she fell for him (or so she thought), and they set off on the long distance relationship journey. Unfortunately for my blogger friend, it came to an end when it was time to live in the relationship under normal circumstances. The reality didn't live up to the fantasy. Like so many other LDR's in the history of humankind before this one, it failed. There will be many more in the future of this planet that won't work either.
It's a coincidence this topic comes up because the other night I was listening to my "Killers" CD and heard songs that suddenly reminded me of my LDR-ex. I reflected on how at this time a year ago, I was priming for a fligh tout to spend my 29th birthday with her. For the couple dozen or so of you who were loyal readers of my previous blog, you all got to see a pretty detailed account of my relationship with a woman who lived about a thousand miles away from me. You got to read the beginning, the development, and the heartbreaking end over a 5 month span. I was the dumpee, and naturally I was crushed. I had fallen in love. I was reduced to tears on a couple occasions that day, including when the dump took place (she cried just as hard). I remember it like it was yesterday.
Why do some of us do this to ourselves? I think it's because some of us are just romantics at heart. Me, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I admit it. I got caught up in the unique way we met. We were two bloggers who connected enough to become friendly beyond the blogs, and when we actually met we had instant romantic chemistry. Our first kiss wasn't forced; it was magic. The way we grew closer via the telephone amazes me still. Then when we'd spend our 3-4 day weekends together, it was like some huge event once, sometimes twice, a month. I'd always clean my house top to bottom, get a haircut, and plan out an agenda of things to do here, or when I'd go out there to see her. Still it was never a "normal" date where you'd pick her up at her door, spend a few hours together, and maybe if you're lucky go home together and meet between the sheets. Instead, you'd be showering together, cooking together, watching T.V. together. Bascially, living together, and you've only known this other person for a short time.
I guess the excitement of hopping a plane every few weeks to a great city was part of the appeal for me. Not to mention, I loved her company and the time we spent together. Everything was new and amazing. I'd never had a courtship like this before. It got to the point that I was very sad when we'd say goodbye to each other because when I was with her I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Of course, the question remained, would she have this much of an effect on me if we saw each other every weekend? I asked myself that question a lot heading into the fourth month of the LDR. I was seriously contemplating packing my shit up and taking my chances in the big city, far away from any of my friends and family. It would be all about me and her. Problem was, I wasn't sure if she loved me. In the end, I got my answer: no, she didn't. It turned out for the better though because I did actually find that woman she said I deserved to meet and be loved by.
In retrospect, my 5 months with her taught me a lot. I finally found out that I was capable of a serious relationship. I learned how to be a better boyfriend from what I did right, and what I did wrong. I gained confidence in myself as a lover. Most of all, I learned what it felt like to love, even if it wasn't exactly returned. I never got to tell her how I really felt, but she did eventually find out when I posted it on the old blog. I had to get it off my chest. Soon thereafter, upon reading a rather critical reaction on her blog to the revelation and a holiday gesture I made, I came to quickly figure out that she wasn't what I thought. We never even had what I thought we had. Needless to say, reading that post and her blog in general turned out to be the best thing I could have done in my quest to get over her. While it cut me, I got the slap in the face I really needed.
Since then, I will still stop in and read to see what's happening with her. I'm sure she knows I still do. I admit I will always have a small place for her in my heart. I dropped her a birthday wish on her birthday, and she had the good heart to give me her condolences when my grandmother passed away. While I don't think we could ever be friends due to the intensity of the relationship we had, it was nice to be cordial when it was appropriate.
Here's a bit of irony: I've moved on and improved my quality of life; new job, new girl, better outlook in general. On the other hand, she is in the same place she was a year ago: bored, unhappy, and confused over what to do with herself. I guess in one way it's satisfying to know I was able to pick up the pieces and grow from the experience. The flip side is, I'm concerned for her and I do hope she finds a way to be happy. She really deserves it. I know at this time a year ago she was, but something in the heart convinced her it was better to set me free. I guess I should thank her for it.
So to Trixie I say good luck moving on. I know you made the right choice, because several months ago someone made the decision for me, and I am happier because of it.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 12:38 PM,
