Lucky 7?
August 28, 2006
I hoped my first post of the week would not revolve around my relationship, but it is going to. Damn it.
This weekend, Batgirl and I celebrated seven months together. Pretty impressive stretch for us both. My previous high was the 5-month LDR of last summer & fall, while hers was 6 months (post divorce, of course) that ended last spring. I hadn't cooked her a nice dinner in a couple of months and thought it would good to whip up the dinner I made for our Valentine's Day: raspberry chicken, coconut rice and string beans marinated in red wine vinegar and Italian seasoning.
She looked great when she opened the door. She wore one of those "peasant" shirts that kind of fell of the shoulder. I'd never seen her in that before. Her hair was down, and she had a little bit of makeup. It was the first time all week we'd seen each other since dinner at her parents' Monday night. We hugged, we kissed, she told me she missed me.In a way, I missed her too, even though I was quite busy with my meetings at the end of the week.
I went right to work on the meal, and within a couple of hours, we were sitting down, ready to enjoy. In the meantime, we passed the cooking time by sipping some chocolate martinis (one each). I didn't quite like it, but she finished hers...and that turned into a bad thing. On a day where she did a walk of 16 miles with a charity group, no nap, and not a lot to eat, the booze hit her. Hard.
In one of the strangest conversation changes of all time, our romantic meal celebrating 7 months of bliss turned into an ugly fight. It started with me talking about my goofy, but lovable buddy, The Attorney, and how his parents had always taken care of him and were now regretting how much he was coddled until his late 20's. That's when it all changed when she said,"You know, in a lot of ways, you and him are very much the same."
I chuckled and asked her to elaborate. With the effects of the alcohol rather obvious even before she poured a glass of merlot, Batgirl contracted a case of diarrhea of the mouth. She went on to say how my mom is pressuring me into taking a "family vacation" to the Mediterranean next June (which will take up half of my vacation time in 2007), how my father and brother are pushing forward with raising the roof on the house I own with my brother even though I'm not 100% behind it due to finanical reasons, and how I allowed my brother to go ahead and get a dog even though I didn't think it was a good idea due to our schedules.
I took offense to it (perhaps a little too much since I had worked up a healthy buzz) and lashed back saying she has no idea what the fuck she's talking about. I pointed out how from the time I got out of college I've battled to get myself to be financially independant, and I never seek any financial aid from my parents, or ask of favors. She went on to talk about how at Nern's wedding, my dad inquired as to when she'd buy a house (she considered it earlier this summer but her decision was met with a lot of resistance by her folks), and how she now feels pressured to go on this trip next June by mom--and who knows where our relationship will be then.
"What is that your parents expect of me? What is it that YOU want?" she sobbed.
It was right there where I began to wonder if this conversation was going in the direction of Where do you see this relationship headed-dom. When you look into someone's eyes, you cna sometimes start reading between the lines, and the look I saw seemed to be one of hope for an answer. So I offered I what I want for myself: "I want a job that pays me well, that I enjoy, and a family of my own."
I awaited the next question or comment. In my head I was picturing her asking if she was the woman who I'd start that family with. It didn't come. I asked her if there is something she is expecting of me, something I need to do more or less of. She never gave me a clear answer on that one.
I was growing more and more outraged. I kept myself in check for as much as I could. All this was coming from a 33-year-old woman who is on the phone with her mom daily, is at her parents' house every night after work just about, and who doesn't have a best friend close to her own age except for her sister. While I don't frown upon how close she is with her family, this topic of how many directions my friends pull me in in addition to the family started up again.
It began getting pretty ugly at this point. I kept wondering aloud just how in the hell this night went in such a bad direction. I wanted to know how a couple months ago she wrote me a card, telling me she no longer waits for the other shoe to drop, but suddenly she does. She finally admitted to me she is a jealous person. She told me I'm one of the most beautiful people she's ever met and she is afraid people outside of us are going to try to sabotage what we have. Whether it's my friends, their girlfriends (she still isn't over the ass-grabbing incident involving Vegas' girl back in early July), or strangers, she fears someone attempting to ruin us. I explained to her that acting fucked up like this is not a way to keep me in her life. The battle to share me with my friends is not going to be one where she gets 90% of my time, and they get 5% and my family gets the other 5%. Then, I fired the A-bomb in anger...
"If this is how you are thinking, then you need to see someone and get some help! I know your past..."
She cut me off and stormed out of the dining room. In her opinion, she is not someone who doesn't know herself, and is not the one who needs help. I now couldn't picture myself staying around her apartment much longer. The girl was obviously overtired, drunk, and now upset. Somehow, though, she finally let me lay it all out on the line and set her straight. As I calmy explained myself and how I felt, I saw her ease off the pedeal and begin to understand the way she was acting was silly. It was strange. The next thing I knew, she was on my lap, and then we were having some of the hottest sex we've had in months. Go figure.
Sunday, she apologized for the evening now once but twice. She even gave me the card she wrote up before the drinking began the night before, where she wrote this has been the best 7 months of her life and I've become someone she can count on. The first apology came in the morning after we finally got out of bed after more sex, and the second was in the evening before I left. That second apology was so sincere as she broke down into tears. The events of the night before brough a great since of guilt over her, and it ate at her all day. "You're the last person I'd ever want to hurt, and I did. I'm so sorry," she cried as I held her to my shoulder.
Wow. I know there is a lot to absorb here, especially for myself. I know, without a doubt, I love this woman a great deal. However, the events of Saturday night trouble me because I'm someone who doesn't subscribe to the motto It's the whiskey talking; No. I say,"It's the whiskey allowing me to talk freely."
She brought up a good point about the being strong-armed by the parents and brother, and my willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often. I think when it comes time to decide on what to do with the house I own with my brother, I'm going to stand firm on what I want to have done. I'm not looking at living here long term, and while he says he wants to add a second floor to raise value, it's also going to suck additional money out of our wallets--and time out of our lives to do the work. I know I'm 30 now, but I'm just not willing to do a mass project on a place I'm don't see myself in 3 years from now. On this topic, Batgirl has given me food for thought.
The most troubling thing for me though, is this continuous issue over sharing me with my friends, and taking part in group activities with her by my side. What she doesn't seem to understand is that my friends all think the world of her, and have gone as far as saying she is the girl they like the best among the past failures. Their girlfriends have complimented her, even though I know the two parties haven't made a genuine effort to get to know each other (typical chicks being catty). They all are happy for us both, and hope I've found the type of love that's evaded me. This was something I really drove home Saturday night with a lot of force behind it. Last time this came up, I was much more calm and less convincing.
I realize this post has villified her. She does deserve to be ripped for temporarily dampering our anniversary, and I'll admit that tonight when I talked to her I had some discomfort. It's hard to just forget. I'll probably bring this up again when I can put together a less blunt way of experessing myself. Things is, I have another bachelor party tentatively scheduled for three weeks from this weekend for my friend Gian, and it will take up a Saturday night. There will not be a strip club visit (the bachelor isn't even big on having a party), so at least there's one thing not to deal with. After that weekend, however, I have Gian's wedding (she's coming), and then my other friend Tall Paul's surprise 30th. I've already told her she can sit that one out due to the travel over 3 hours one way both weekends, and she may have a lot of work to go over by then with school starting up again. Something tells me this talk is going to have to come up yet again.
That next time...that next time will be the last time, too. After that, we're going to have to really examine what it is we are looking for. I really do hope it won't have to come down to that for I fear what the future will hold for Us.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 8:34 PM,
