Can't We All Just Get Along?
July 03, 2006
Introducing a new love in your life can be both exciting, and stressful. While my girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 months, she's still "new" to my closest friends. This past weekend, I took "Batgirl" (nicknaming her so because she's a Batman fan, looks great in her tight T-shirt with the Batman logo, and there's no way in hell I'm posting her name here) to Gotham--better known as NY City--to meet the college crew. I wanted so very much for everyone, especially the guys' significant others, to welcome her in. The memories of my pal Nern's post-graduation dinner in May that didn't go so well for Batgirl and the girlfriends of the friends from home were still very much fresh in my head.Between she and I, we had a great time. We went to the "Top of the Rock," which is the observatory deck in Rockefeller Center, took a walk to the old neighborhood I used to work in, strolled past the United Nations building, visited Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, and browsed the huge Toys R' Us store in Times Square. Our hotel room was comfortable. The location worked well since it was around the corner from the subway and down the street from my friend Vegas' apartment building. When it's just me and her, I think she is happiest. However, I don't think she was very impressed with a select few members of the group.
Friday night, it was only she and myself, Big Red and his wife (the couple who was the main reason for this college reunion), and our hosts Vegas and his girlfriend. The five of them gave me a big thumbs up on Batgirl, but I was a little bothered by how the two girls seemed to do the same thing that the girls from back home did. They conversed between each other, and occasionally turned their attention to Batgirl. On the other hand, Batgirl could have done a better job of endearing herself to the girls. I understand how intimidating it can be to meet a whole new group, but I was expecting her to be more open this time with this crew. Last time, the excuse was a bad case of laringytis; this time, I wasn't sure if she was just tired or being shy.
Anyhow, things seemed ok that first night. It was night #2 where things became rocky. To begin, we did a Tappas dinner at a Spanish restaurant. Our party had ballooned to 17 people. Everyone had come in from all over. I never ate this style of dining, so I was pretty lost on how to go about ordering; so did Vegas and his gf. When it was obvious the confusion was widespread, Batgirl leaned over to me and whispered, "This wasn't a very good idea." She had already made some analytical observations on our hosts, so I could tell that this chaos was not changing her opinion. Eventually, things settled down and the dinner went well. As least, I thought. By the end of dinner, Batgirl had become rather quiet and I was a little on edge as far as whether or not she would enjoy our final night.
We made it to a bar, and once inside, Vegas began bossing the group and telling people to move into another area of the bar. I knew we couldn't go there because it was for dining only. He insisted we all go in. No soon enough, our caravan was being summoned back into the bar area. Batgirl offered to buy me a beer while I hit the john. When I got back, she was at the furthest end of the bar from the rest of the group. This prompted Vegas to come over and make a comment about that. Batgirl's impatience with him shined through. She asked me what his problem was and yadda yadda. My friend The FBI Agent (soon-to-be) overheard her words and assured her that Vegas comes off the wrong way at times with people, but in the end shows he a good guy. Usually. The night went from there and she seemed to enjoy herself as my friends goofed back and forth with me, her and each other. All the while, the girls were off in their own circle. Then, the straw broke the camel's back.
Batgirl headed to the ladies' room. I was talking with someone when I felt a pinch at my ass. I turned and it was Vegas' girlfriend. No problem to me; she was joking around. Shortly after, Batgirl returned. Vegas' girlfriend pinched me again. I turned and asked her if she wants me to sit down on her. She then proceeds to tell Batgirl she was pinching my ass, and it's a nice one. I took it as a joke again, but apparently Batgirl did not. She held in her anger the remainder of the night very well, but once we got back, she let it out about everything. How she felt disrespected by the act, how she knows who she is but doesn't think she can say the same for Vegas and his gf, how she very much wanted to like my friends and their "better" halves, and be like back, but just couldn't relate to the girls' conversations about superficial girlie bullshit she's not into.
My initial reaction to her comments was disappointment, and a little hurt. Afterall, Vegas is one of my best friends. I know he and his girlfriend have a good opinion of Batgirl, but the feeling isn't reciprocated. Because of the ass-pinching, Batgirl got very jealous and suspected that she may have an interest in me. Admittedly, I'd get pretty pissed if one of the guys took a squeeze of one of my girlfriend's cheeks. The end result was me having to politely decline Vegas' invitation for breakfast with the knowledge that Batgirl wanted nothing to do with being in the presence of my friend's girl. It made me feel guilty, and when we bumped into them on the street looking at a sidewalk menu at a restaurant instead of "grabbing something quick before heading home" at a place like a deli, I really had to do some tap-dancing.
I guess my point here is I can't understand how it's so difficult for women to welcome other women. Here is this guy who you've always rooted for to meet a nice woman, and then when he does you don't include her in on conversations, or you do something to disrespect her. The incident in May that ticked her off involved the girlfriend (and likely fiance) of my close friend Master K continuously teasing Batgirl about why we were late to the post-dinner gathering at Nern's apartment. She was harping on the belief Batgirl and I took off to get busy after dinner. Oh--and she was doing this in front of Nern's future mother-in-law who was meeting my girlfriend for the first time. Batgirl felt cheap and blamed her being left out of the conversations on this open teasing. Now, I will have to come up with reasons as to why she won't be with me when I go up to see Master K's new condo later this month.
I don't get it. With guys, we shake hands, have a beer, and ask some questions, and
find topics that eventually lead to laughter or some interesting debate. Nothing catty like the shit I hear about from my female friends.
On the other side of the coin, my girlfriend is not totally innocent here. Growing up, she was a "geek," and never was invited to parties. She wasn't part of the "in" crowd, and I think this is something she still is bitter about as an adult. She pointed out to me after Saturday night's butt-pinching incident that she's never trusted girls, and its always just been she, her sister, and her mom. No one else. She marvels at the fact I have so many friends I am close with, whereas she doesn't have that. Hey, not many people do keep close bonds with a wide group of childhood pals. As someone in her 30's though, I think there comes a point where you have to realize you're not who you were in your teens, and analyzing why you can't like someone has to stop.
I'm really getting into this topic because it disturbs me that in the two meetings with my group of friends--the people who've been right there with me for the last 10-20 years--the first woman I've ever had a truly meaningful and loving relationship with is passing judgments left and right. the judgements usually have something to do with their girlfriends. I am now very hesitant to schedule a dinner with my best friend of many years, Ren, and his wife. Ren's wife can come off rather bitchy because she's shy at times, and I don't need to hear yet another critique of her when she's been so good to me and supportive over the years. I have a feeling the two won't hit it off, and Ren and I will have to carry the evening.
As a guy who's not used to having a longterm relationship, I don't know if I should have done things differently. Should I have eased her into meeting the couples so that when we have big group events, all would have some level of familiarity with her? She says she can handle these large group situations; perhaps I should listen? Should I have told Vegas' gf to stop pinching my ass since it may make my girl jealous? Or, is the problem bigger than this. Is my girlfriend really not compatible with any of the females in the crews? I'd like to hear some accounts from both the female POV, and from those on my side, of situations like this.
posted by That 30's Guy @ 7:16 AM,
